by: Venus Lau
It only takes one… That’s what I tell myself when answering questions on an online dating site I like to call OkStupid. For you slower ones it’s a rhymer to the online dating site known as OkCupid. Now I’m not here to bash online dating. I’m obviously a participant in this oooh so digital world. I’m here to share the entertainment of what I like to call “reality browsing.” It’s way better than reality shows because you get to participate in answering the silly questions that tell you if you are compatible with a potential “partner in crime,” (I swear if I hear one more guy say that… ugh!) and you get to read other people’s answers to the same questions. I understand some of the basic questions like:
“Have you ever been in love?”
“Do you have any children?”
“How important is a sense of humor?”
“Are you looking for a long-term relationship?”
“Outgoing or Shy?”
Yes, you want to get a basic knowledge of someone’s personality. Kinda important, right? BUT! BUT, there are some questions OKStupid likes to ask that are just comedy at its best…
“Do you believe in dinosaurs?”
“Which is bigger? The Sun or Earth?”
“Did America really put a man on the moon?”
None of these are opinion based questions, THEY ARE FACTS! And if you don’t know the answer you’re either 2 years old or a total retard, and ultimately undateable. They might as well ask me, “Do you believe unicorns can birth pigs?” Even if they answer the question right, these questions bear no relevance to an ideal partner! Only that they have a functioning brain. Must I have to ask for that? But the questions certainly did make me chuckle.
Here’s a section I like to call - REALLY?…
“How important is your partner’s breath to you?”
“Do you frequently bathe or shower?”
“Would you read a book just for fun?”
“Do you think that masturbation is an acceptable practice?”
I love it when a guy doesn’t shower and refuses to brush his teeth, don’t you? OkStupid, really? Hygiene and dating kinda go hand-in-hand, need I say more? Reading books - If you’ve never read a book for fun, you’re not a real adult. You are a character swimming in a sea of Duff beer in the mind of Homer Simpson. And masturbation, yes! I don’t want to self-implode! We all need a lil “me” time ;).
“If you were in a long term relationship and your partner gained weight due to something like surgery or childbirth, would you think less of them as a person?”
They should’ve just asked… Are you a horrible person who deserves to die? “Think less of them as a person?” That punchline is so bad it’s good (wink, wink)… I wish my job was to come up with these questions.
“Do you like the taste of blood?”
“Do you have rape fantasies?”
“Do you feel there are any circumstances in which a person is obligated to have sex with you?”
Ummm, say what the fuck?! Blood - Are you a wannabe vampire lame-o? Rape fantasies - Hmmm, what would that first date be like? Obligated to have sex with you - Okay, I did answer “Yes” but only to humor myself.
“Imagine you’re on your way home, when your date suddenly speeds up to hit an animal crossing the road. Is a second date in your future?”
When I imagine a guy doing that on a date it’s horrifying. When I imagine a girl doing that on a date there’s more of a belly laughter that lashes out… so nutty! I’m pretty sure she would be placing herself in the “crazy but hot enough to bang” category.
“Do you maintain a current profile on a social networking site such as MySpace or Facebook?”
BWAHAHAHA!!! Did they say MySpace?!
And here is a section I like to call RIDICULOUS ANSWER CHOICES…
“If your partner got in the way of your goals what would you do? Crush them / Discuss it and compromise / Quietly deal with it?”
Yes, Crush them! But “how would you crush them” should be the follow up question - with your hopes, dreams, and a flatscreen TV perhaps? Discuss it and compromise - “Hi, honey. So you kinda suck the life outta me, so let’s either breakup or I’ll just resent you forever.” Quietly deal with it - You F@ck’n coward!
“Which of the following would be most likely to scare you away? Sexual fetish / Bad temper / Mild mental illness / History of bad credit?”
All of the above was not an answer choice! Please don’t have any of those! Okay, sexual fetish and bad credit not as bad. But my brain obviously goes to the extreme answer of all the options, I’m thinking… Clown ‘n’ feces fetish / Break shit all over my apartment / Screaming ‘n’ crying in the fetal position in public / Selfish ‘n’ unreliable with end result of being cheap.
“Imagine you are sitting alone in a park and a squirrel hops up and starts talking to you in a clear voice. Which of the following do you do… Converse with the creature / Ignore it - it can’t be real / Run, scream, shit pants, or otherwise freak out / Capture the creature for science?”
Again, why can’t I be the one who gets to write these questions? This one cracked me up. Duh, obviously I’d converse with the lil’ guy! I like that OkStupid actually said “shit pants.” How drunk was the writer of these questions? What scientific formula helped generate this question that will somehow tell me if I am compatible with a potential suitor? If you know, please pass the info along.
The following section is called TOO SOON…
“Which pubic hair style do you prefer for a partner?”
“How often do you masturbate?”
“Do you have names for your future children already picked out?”
Can we save a lil’ mystery for the dates please? Pubic hair is a great first date topic! Not really, but why do we need to share that on the world wide web? Hey, I ain’t no prude. But whatever your answer, you are telling them what YOUR pubes are trimmed like. “I prefer a lightning bolt.”
Masturbation - I don’t want a stranger to know that. Why? Cause we all judge each other. We do, we really do. If it’s too much, then “Oh, she’s sex crazy or slutty!” If it’s not enough, then “She’s not in touch with herself and must suck in bed.” If you don’t masturbate at all, then yeah I’d judge him or think he was an alien without a crotch zone.
Future children names - ATTENTION WOMEN… even if you do, say you DON’T! Yes, it’s fun to come up with cute names, but it’s also WEIRD when those names have been etched in concrete since you were in high school, especially for men. Although, I did come across a couple of guy’s profiles that said they do… Yep, still weird. Just live in the moment. Tell me that shit later when we actually have a relationship, not pre-date material.
There are plenty more questions I’d love to poke fun at. And although I’m making fun, I gotta admit they do give a hint of insight. Don’t knock online dating ‘til you try it, right? It’s just another avenue to meet cool or weird people, and I hope this insight has made you giggle at least twice. People’s answers will be in another future blog. I’m done ranting for now but I would love to hear your comments on Facebook or Twitter!
Stay up to date with these crazy ladies: News, latest blogs, sneak peaks on the newest sketches, and maybe if you’re lucky, a nudie picture*
Venus, Rachel, and Laura
*Nudie picture will most likely not be of us, nor a nudie.
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Rachel has a conversation with Maxy Lau to get her opinion on “Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure” movie.
This is a segment we’ll call “Maxy’s Corner.”
Rachel: Hey, Maxy!
Maxy: Hey. Paws up?
Rachel: Oh, not a lot, what’s up with you? Have you seen the Oogieloves movie?
Maxy: Paw-lease. Why would anyone watch that shit?
Rachel: Maxy, watch your mouth.
Maxy: What’d I do? What did you paw-hink I said?
Rachel: Never mind. Anyway, not that many people did see it. It was the biggest flop in movie history. And only made $207 per movie screen. (EW article link re: the flop)
Maxy: What did they ex-pawct? Paw-ple don’t want to sit through a paw-diculous movie whose only enter-pawning factor is the horri-paw-ness of it.
Rachel: Maxy, quit it with the paw usage. It doesn’t work for every word.
Maxy: Oh, paw-really?
Rachel: Ugh… okay. So, have you ever heard of an “Oogieloves?”
Maxy: A paw-what?
Rachel: An “Oogie.” The movie? What we’re talking about right now?
Maxy: Oh, yeah. Paw-rankly, when I saw the first paw-ster, I was like What-The-Paw? What are these paw-tures and are they gonna paw-nal probe me?
Rachel: I don’t think a kid’s movie would involve an anal probe.
Maxy: I’d paw-ther have my anal glands ex-pawsed than see two seconds of any Oogie Paw-loon movie. Now, can I paw-lease have a bone?
A SIDE NOTE FROM RACHEL:
I bet that everyone behind this movie is scratching their heads, wondering what happened and why the box office numbers were so abmissmal. But, the film economy today is VERY unpredictable and it takes a lot to get those seats filled. Movies are more expensive to make, market and distribute than every before. Why wasn’t it debuted on DVD? Parents would have been more apt to spend $1.25 at a Redbox than $12+ at a theater (that’s considering it’s just one adult and one child for a matinee in Los Angeles).
And the $207 that it DID make in each theater over the weekend – it actually surprises me that it made even that much. The “Oogie’s” are not well known (I had to look them up online when I first saw the poster - and they are kind of creepy), the title itself makes it seem cheap, AND I think Maxy could write a more interesting storyline (hey, let’s go find some balloons that got away, snores-ville!).
I mean – Maxy did say she’d rather have her anal glands expressed than watch this. You’d think that kids would have rather gone to a park, go grab a snow-cone or go visit great-grandma’s grave. And well, I guess a lot of that did happen instead of sitting their asses in theater seats to check-out this “paw-sense,” as Maxy would say.
Oh, Maxy, you are so paw-dictable!
Miracle, Shmiracle: By Rachel McClard
Okay. I get it. Babies are super cool and it’s amazing when a new human being comes into the world, AmIRight? Hence, my undying love for my niece and nephew who are the two coolest kids out there.
But, is it okay that I don’t think babies are miracles? I mean, I hear it all the time. “Oh my gosh! Have you seen Margaret’s new baby? Isn’t it a miracle?” “Yes, we’re pregnant for the fifth time, we can’t wait to have that new little miracle in our lives.” “I’m preggers guys! It’s a miracle!” (said the 16 year old kid that works at the Gap).
Gag. Me. Now.
At this moment in time, how many little babies are born? And with a world population of over 7 billion (here’s a nifty little World population site you can check out: http://www.census.gov/main/www/popclock.html) aren’t we being a little overly zealous with the term “miracle of childbirth?” When you go to visit someone who has just had a baby and you pop in to see the new little one in their crib at the nursery - they aren’t the only baby in the room. There’s an entire staff of peeps dedicated to making sure all is good in the hood for the 10 or 20+ babies that are there.
So…. what I’m trying to say is that when you look at the definition of a miracle, a baby is not a miracle.
Miracle: Noun - an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.
When looking at the above definition, it becomes obvious to me that babies are not miracles. A “supernatural cause” y’all is not something that happens every minute of every day.
When a statue cries, Jesus is seen in a potato chip (this is an awesome site that has All Things that look like Jesus: http://stuffthatlookslikejesus.com) or angel’s wings are displayed in a thunderstorm cloud - that’s a miracle people. That’s when we need to say, “Holy F*&#! Did you just see when the water parted and those ducks walked on dry land across the lake? That was a miracle! It surpassed my understanding of what’s capable in this world!”
And to add to that - we are physically designed to have babies/make babies/want babies. Sure, not everyone wants a little alien growing inside of them or longs to pass on their genetic genes. And of course, shit happens sometimes where a baby can’t physically happen. Hey, I’m adopted so I understand that the equipment doesn’t always function how it’s supposed to. BUT, in general, baby making and babies in general are a fact of life, just like dying and having to show a proper ID to pass through security at the airport.
So the next time you see a baby, I think you should shrug your shoulder’s and be like, “Cool, but it’s not like I’ve never seen one of those before.”
Please note that I really do love babies/kids :)
“Oh my GOD, you HAVE to read this!”
“OH my GOD, I couldn’t put it down!”
“Oh my GOD you HAVE the READ AAAHHHHHHH-I’m ORGASIMING-AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!”
That’s all I heard for weeks from my girlfriends. The cause of this effeminate uproar? “Fifty Shades of Grey.” If you haven’t at least heard these words uttered either in passing or in conversation, quick! Get a newspaper! What’s the date? If it’s pre-2012, you better get in contact with Doc, find a DeLorean, and throttle that baby up to 88 miles per hour.
Or, I could just catch you up: Fifty Shades of Grey is an “erotic” novel that has blown literary records. It’s sold forty million copies worldwide, and has set the record for fastest-selling paperback of all time, (sadly) stomping out the Harry Potter book series faster than you can say “Avada Kedavra!”
Impressive, to say the least, especially seeing as this all started as a fan-fiction spinoff from the “Twilight” book series (Red Flag #1). Now usually, when I hear someone blow a load over something, I automatically get skeptical. For the most part, my snarky disbelieving self proves me right (See: 90’s boybands.) But sometimes, I do get humble and realize there might be something to all this hullabaloo (See: Game of Thrones, Arrested Development, ect). I like to think I have a pretty open mind about things, and after all, these comments were coming from my intelligent, well-spoken, and well-educated girlfriends, so there must be something going on here.
I did some research and found out that the original title for “Fifty Shades of Grey” was originally titled “Master of the Universe” (He-Man???) and was written under E.L. James’ nom-de-plume “Snowqueen’s Icedragon” (Red Flag #2). Yikes. Now, because I was still skeptical and quite frankly, cheap, I found that SnowQueen’s fan-fiction was still floating around for free in the deepest, darkest, nerdiest corners of the inter web. After a good amount of Googling, (on a side note: I am a Google master. No really, you think you can’t find something online, give me 30 minutes, and I’ll have 3 different sources for you to choose from), I finally found an online version. I would post it here, but it seems Big Brother of Publishing has already taken it down and eradicated almost all online copies and message board links left (but give me 30 minutes…)
Now to be fair, I (embarrassingly) did read the some of the Twilight series, and I really think my IQ may have dropped 5 to 10 points. Really. The only reasons I did decide to read Twilight was:
A) I like to be open-minded (See: 4th paragraph)
B) The author of the Twilight series is openly a huge MUSE fan, and if she has such good taste in music, maybe there is some cultural connection I could find in her, er, “art”?
But alas, no shared love for MUSE could make me like the Twilight series. Poorly written, and — honestly, a girl gives up her entire life to be with a dude that completely ditches her cold turkey for the duration of an entire novel? I’m no feminist, but for fuck’s sake women, why are we considering Bella a role model? Rosie the Riveter is rolling in her fictional grave. Stephen King said it best: ”Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.”
So, I had a very sickening, sparkly-skinned grossness in my stomach to begin with, but I put my intuitions aside, plopped my vaginal-self onto my couch, and dove fifty shades of grey deep. The result?
Knock another 5-10 points off my IQ. And I’m not sure, but I think there might be a bit of my soul missing.
Don’t get me wrong; are the naughty parts enjoyably “naughty”? Somewhat, but is it worth reading through hundreds of pages of elementary, IQ-dropping diction with boring, pointless characters? No. Not by a long shot. Honestly, it was awful. A-W-F-U-L. It was like running a 5K, just to have a small cupcake waiting for you at the end. And not even a Sprinkles cupcake; like a “Ralph’s, discounted because it was sitting there for a week” cupcake. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m reading a “novel” or the whimsical result of a MADLIBS:
“I pull him ADJECTIVE: deeper into my NOUN: mouth so I can VERB: feel him at the back of my NOUN: throat and then to the front again. My NOUN: tongue VERB: swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey- VERB: flavored NOUN: popsicle. I VERB: suck harder and harder … Hmm … My NOUN: inner goddess is doing the NOUN: merengue with some ADJECTIVE: salsa NOUN: moves.”
What the who-what-who? Seriously, that’s a real excerpt. It’s like when your pet is watching you and your significant other fool around: you want to be passionate and in the moment, but you just can’t help but laughing, or get weirded out.
But then why all the brouhaha? Why all the “OH my GOD!”s ? Why is it selling out left and right? I have a few theories:
1) - People are dumb. And this book is well, written dumbly. So of course middle America is buying this up rather than brilliant classics such as The Fountainhead or Catch-22 or Fahrenheit 451, because they can actually UNDERSTAND it.
2) - Women are getting hornier by the minute. I have no scientific proof to back this theory up, but seeing as women overpopulate men, it could turn into a real orgy-like mess.
But what is my main theory? It’s “fun”. It’s “candy”. Much like the reason pop music is probably the most “pop”ular music genre. If you break it down, there really is no talent behind it: just a lot of “baby” lyrics and overly produced digital music. But you hear it on the radio, and the next thing you know you’re dancing along and singing off key to lyrics easily written by a two year old.
And that’s it: “Fifty Shades of Grey” is shit. It’s the reality TV of books: minimal thinking, easy to digest, and it brings out our human desires. Much like the gladiator times, or the Rose Ceremony of the Bachelor, it draws out primordial animal instincts. Whether it’s watching people slaughter each other, or (more modernly), not receive a rose (GASP!) we like to see people go down. But rather than violence, “Fifty” brings out a different animal instinct: lust. You can get all hot, heavy, and kinky without the make-up and the $60 lingerie set, and maybe most pleasurable aspect, it’s for you, and only you, and you don’t have to worry about pleasing a partner.
But if this is the case, ladies, PLEASE! There are better forms of erotic pleasure out there! Don’t dumb yourself down! Dr. Laura, (no not that one) is here. Sit down, open a bottle of pinot, and enjoy the following Google searches:
“Fifty Shades of Grey” Speed Reed: 14 Naughtiest Bits
- Get all the dirt without trudging through the shit.
Monthly Cosmo Excerpt:
- I know, I know. You’re thinking “She’s gone on and on about intelligence, and she brings up Cosmo?” Before I put my foot in my mouth, just hear me out. Every month, Cosmo puts out a steamy excerpt from the erotic book of the month. And this is why it’s better: Like the above link, it cuts through all the crap, it’s FREE, and I’ll take a triple orgasm and a MURDER over a “salsa/merengue blowjob” any day.
Or, if you just can’t waste your time with words, and you’re truly a gal-on-the-go, here: Redtube.
- Like “Fifty”, you gotta wade through some weird shit, but, well… it’s to the point.
So, do I judge my girlfriends for lapping up this book? Not at all. (Unless they say “Oh My God, it was, like, the best book I’ve ever read in my ENTIRE life”. Facebook. De-friend…) In fact, 100% of my girlfriends even said “It’s horribly written, but…”. So they knew what they were reading was crap, but hey, the truth is we all get a little horny, educated and uneducated women alike, and we all have our “candy”. And who doesn’t love candy? I scoff “Survivor” and “Bachelorette”, but buckle down for a marathon of “Ghost Hunters”. And nothing will weird me out more than passing a 40 something sunbathing on the beach, literally getting hot and bothered as she reads “Fifty Shades of Grey”. (Seriously, think about it. That woman is probably horny as hell. Ew.) But at least she’s being open and honest about her sexuality.
Will I ever enjoy “Fifty”? No. Sorry, but to be able to enjoy my read, I at least need proper grammar, and hmm, perhaps, an actual PLOT. And if I want some pleasure, there are many more ways to find it, including, oh I don’t know, my actual boyfriend. But if there comes a day where I want to turn my brain off, “Ghost Hunters” repeats can’t be found, I get in a tragic car accident and my intelligence is reduced to that of Forrest Gump, and I’m just well, “in the mood”, it’s comforting to know that there is a “cupcake” out there. An orange-sticked, possibly molding, discount “cupcake.” Yum.
Written by: Laura Denton
by: Rachel McClard
OMG, you guys. There is so much going on in the media right now that has to do with LGBT rights and equality. And a lot of it has people standing up for their fellow gay-wad, lezbo, queer sister or brother, co-worker, friend and the movement as a whole. Okay, there are many a-holes out there determined to slap down equality. But F them. This is my blog entry. Let’s focus on the positive movements forward shall we? So, here’s a quick recap of some of the Gay Shit that has gone on recently and why it matters.
1. Sally Ride and Sherman Hemsley’s Deaths:
What’s going on here? How in the world could death have to do with a positive post on parity? Well, let me explain.
Sally Ride (the trailblazing first American woman in space) and Sherman Hemsley (the beloved actor who played George Jefferson on The Jeffersons) were both successful, well established and loved members of society who are looked at as pioneers in their fields.
So basically, these two wonderful human specimens lived great, full lives and one day, they were no longer. They died. Gone. But in the days following their deaths, it was a true testament to their impacts. Everyone was posting quotes online, sharing videos, “remembering” them and how they lived their lives. And then things started sneaking out. Details that for whatever reason, Sally and Sherman chose to not make open to the public. They were both gay.
Does that suddenly change all the wonderful and amazing things these two delightful souls accomplished while walking among us? No. It doesn’t, of course. Because they are much more than just Sally the lesbian astronaut and Sherman the gay actor. And the more people know that there are gays in all walks of life (even space and deluxe apartments in the sky) then people will realize being gay isn’t a morally wrong choice made by LGBT’s to disrupt society. But it is a choice whether or not you want to see us as equals.
2. Chick-Fil-A – Selling Hate
If I have learned one thing in my life is that hatred, masked behind “Christian values,” a don’t tell me what to do mentality or the selling of a chicken sandwich is still just that. Hatred. And I believe that those who believe in the greater good of society will eventually come around and see the light at the end of a very long and winding tunnel.
The thousands across the country that decided to buy Chick-Fil-A on Wednesday for its appreciation day need to know something. I don’t hate them. I’m not going to buy into what they are selling and won’t add fuel to the fire that cooks their angst and their sandwiches. If anything, you have made me realize that respect and love is something I will continue to have in my non-artery clogged heart.
And thank you Jim Henson Company for parting ways with Chick-Fil-A. I’m with you Kermit, someday we WILL find the Rainbow Connection: http://youtu.be/jSFLZ-MzIhM
3. Target – Be Yourself
Target has made waves before by backing anti-gay bills but recently came out with a new ad campaign that targets gays. The slogan reads “Be yourself, together. Build a Target Wedding Gift Registry as unique as the two of you” and it features two men, holding hands, gazing into each other’s eyes with little hearts and “that’s love” high-lighted in the corner.
In light of everything that’s going on with Chick-Fil-A, it’s interesting to see a company (and other’s like it – Gap, JC Penney, and Kraft foods Oreo have all had similar all-inclusive ads released recently) that isn’t trying to exclude any part of the consumer market. Excluding anyone is the same as saying “we don’t want your kind here” and brings to mind an era of segregation and women not being able to vote.
So whether or not it’s a marketing ploy to get more sales, it’s still a good thing. Gays spend money like everyone else. Selling to the masses isn’t a new strategy. It’s an American strategy. And even gays are American.
And I hear Target has some good pretzel’s and nachos. If I’m going to grab some junk food, maybe I’ll swing by - do my eating and shopping where everyone is welcome.
4. Democrats – Same-Sex Marriage Included in Party Platform
Holy-gay shit balls! Well, isn’t this evolving issue becoming more, well, evolving. My personal opinion about those that oppose Same-Sex marriage is that the more it is talked about, then more people will become open to the idea and eventually, enough will realize that gay people should be treated equally. Small steps forward are mandatory when fighting an uphill battle.
5. Lesbian Kiss – Opening Ceremony of Olympics
You guys probably missed it (I sure did) but there was a very quick glimpse of a lesbian kiss mixed into a montage of famous movie and TV kisses that played in the background during the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics.
Why is this important? Well, to start, the fact it was included is pretty damn significant. There were other kisses that could have been used. But to keep it in is just another way to include LGBT’s into the norm of society. And it also was the first same-sex kiss to be shown on TV in 76 countries.
Choosing to include something that is very simple, not overtly trying to point it out and making it a part of one of the most celebrated ceremony’s on TV didn’t change or take anything away from those that watched or participated.
And isn’t that what the equality fight is all about in the first place?
It was a great day. With a big smile on my face I thought to my 12 year-old self, “I’m having to shop in the adult section, that means I’ll start my period like everyone else.” I was an idiot and had no idea what my period would really entail, but let’s get back to fat…
Where were we? Fat kids. Big ass clothes. A 30 year-old that shops in the Junior department - hey, they have cute clothes! So I think we all agree that the amount of fatness has gotten ridiculous… Or I’m just an asshole. Remember in grade school who all the other kids would point out to be the fat kid? Now that is the average size of the average kid today! Or have you ever tried on a pair of shorts from your childhood labelled size 12 and could barely get it over one thigh? Well, I have. I was bored and it’s more evidence of how fat kids are getting. It’s sad, but also kinda funny cause I don’t have kids yet.
So here’s the IT’S SO GOOD part…
Adults, ahem, like me can now feel better about themselves cause they bought cute clothes for a cheaper price in the junior section. It does wonders for your ego! It boosts the economy! Another dumb reason to buy more crap we don’t need. There’s nothing I can do but voice my opinion and hope it will make you laugh, as well as, think about the future of your own kids and their future diets.
But bigger clothes do soften the blow for kids who are kept in the dark and clueless about the excess fat hanging over their stretchy, skinny jeans. That’s not baby fat. That’s fat lies your parents are telling you. I had the unfortunate fortune of having very, probably, too brutally honest Chinese parents who were fresh off the boat to lend a hand at slapping honesty in anyone’s face. Seriously, one time my dad “accidentally” made my friend cry when he told her that she was getting too fat to come over and enjoy my mothers cooking. He had a fiery sense of humor that could burn a politically correct hippy’s house down. Or maybe he was forward thinking in knowing that I would have to face criticism myself one day.
Either way parents should be honest to their kids. Then there’s the possibility that fat parents can’t talk to their fat kids about fatness because they can’t be honest with their fat self so they blame genetics… And the next generation, and the next generation follow the genetic blaming fat suit. Yes, genetics does play a role, but not 60 extra pounds of rolls on a 12 year-old. I’m not a scientist but according to the CDC website, “Genes are not destiny. Obesity can be prevented or can be managed in many cases with a combination of diet, physical activity, and medication.” So even though fatness may be a deterrent for kidnapping your kid, tell them to “Put the high-fructose corn syrup McCombination down!”
Dumb reasons to let your kid get obesely fat (besides kidnap prevention):
1. We could be partners in winning big cash on THE BIGGEST LOSER.
2. We can shop together.
3. It’s like hugging a teddy bear.
4. The tiny chance of being a successful sumo wrestler.
5. Year-round shorts or sweatpants if you live in a cold environment.
6. You know they won’t get hurt playing football or any other contact sports, if they play!
7. There’s not enough to worry about… Why not tack on heart attack & diabetes by 12?
8. Having your own life-size Eric Cartman is cool.
9. Someone to have cannonball competitions with.
10. Your White Snake t-shirt from the 80s looks rad on your 6 year-old.
Thank you for listening to my rant.
- Venus Lau
There are times in life in which God or fate, or perhaps a combination of both, throws an object or opportunity in your path. It can be in the form of a problem or a situation in which you gain something, whether it be something physical or intangible, but only by over-coming or solving this obstacle or problem.
But every now and then, you just get a gift. A simple, little golden nugget. No strings attached. A simple reward for a job well done. Today was one of those days: I got a “gift”.
After a busy day of buzzing around Hollywood, running errands and looking at apartments, I came home and prepared a snack for my usual afternoon meal. I usually like to watch shitty afternoon programs and zone out in front of the tube. But today was my lucky day. I breezed over to the Lifetime channel, when I saw the most awesome of awesomes: An afternoon movie entitled “Baby For Sale”. Uh, FUCK YEAH!
Now generally, this is my “Full House” time. And today was a rather humorous episode (Joey and Danny seek revenge for their College Frat Reunion by getting back at their rival Sorority. How do they do it, you ask? By dressing in drag and “sneaking” into the sorority’s reunion party. Hilarity ensues.) But sorry Danny and the rest of the Tanner clan, opportunities like this only come along once in a full moon; a full f*cking, baby-selling moon.
The title alone had me hooked. Let’s get serious; God knows we’ve all thought about selling babies. Well maybe not so much the act of selling babies, but at least the “idea” of it. (Come on now, I know at least one of you had a plan B in case your child came out ugly).
So here’s the rundown: The delightful Dana Delany and and the dashing Hart Bochner portray a couple hoping to adopt who take part in a police sting operation to trap a man who attempts to sell them a baby, mothered by a red-headed Russian crack whore. I mean, DAMN!!! Read that sentence again! How intense was that?! You can’t BUY that kind of entertainment!!
When did Lifetime get so risque? I mean the occasional affair and/or stalker movie was pretty sweet. And God knows “Thy Neighbor’s Wife”, staring Lifetime’s SuperStar Kari Wuhrer, had me clinging to the edge of my seat. But now Lifetime seems to be breaking the boundaries, oiling and loosening up the ol’ chastity belt. Look out everyone! Lifetime is letting it all hang out! Speaking of sluts, they’re starting to show 1 (God Bless, even 1 and a half) star movies like “Devil’s Pond” staring drunky McSlut Tara Reid. I’m just glad to see that Lifetime has finally grown some balls. It’s about time they realized that their demographic not only includes elderly women, housewives, and homewreckers, but has broaden to include ballsy elderly women, housewives, and homewreckers.
But how does the movie end? Frankly, I don’t know. To be perfectly honest with you, I kinda forgot I was watching it. Whoopsies! But Golden Girls is on now, which means one thing: Me and Maude Time. Nothing could break this up. Except maybe an episode of Full House.