An Open Letter: Please Stop Worshipping the Kardashians

An open letter to all girls and women alike: Please, please, PLEASE stop worshipping Kim Kardashian.

     Or just the Kardashians, period. Stop it. I will roll up a newspaper and beat you over the head. You know who you are. I see you with your Us Weekly’s. DVR’s full of “Kardashian” this and “Khloe” that.  It’s because of you shit like this is floating around the interwebs (how the hell does this have 7 million views?)

     Why do so many people lap up anything Kardashian? I don’t get it; I’ve watched 3 episodes and wanted to pull my hair out. Ladies, these girls aren’t “cute”. They aren’t “funny”. Tina Fey is “funny”. Amy Poehler is “funny”.  The Kardashian’s are idiots. “Well, they aren’t all bad. They donate to charity”, one could say. Guess what: most rich people do. I donated $500 dollars to charities this year, and I’m poor as fuck. Doesn’t make me Jesus. And apparently Kim’s not even that charitable . No really, she even fucks over her own charity.  (And don’t you think it’s odd that some people with a lot of money have their own charities? I mean, where else can you put your own money without it being taxed…hmm…)

     While I feel like that whole family needs to put in a bunker and buried miles and miles deep into the earth (well, at least the mother), let’s just start with the worst of them: Kim.

     There are literally hundreds of candidates of women who are far more intelligent, awesome, and amazing that you can draw inspiration from, but let’s start off slow. Baby steps, ya know? And no, don’t worry, you won’t find any stereotypical, depressing, feminist icons in this list (sorry Sylvia Pathe and Emily Dickinson, but you’re kind of Debbie-Downers.) This isn’t a ball-busting, period-inducing article, but rather, a guide. So take some time, turn off the E! network, and give this a quick read (put down that remote and quit watching E! DROP IT I SAID!)

1) MATA HARI -

     Kim used her, ahem, sexuality to make a SEX TAPE that launched her into fame (YES, let’s not forget, it was a SEX TAPE that launched her “fame”). Mata Hari used her sexuality TO HELP US WIN A GODDAM WAR. Well, maybe not win. And maybe she actually helped our enemies…Let me explain:

     There’s lots of rumors as to whose side Mata Hari was on, and what is actual truth from exaggerated gossip.  She was eventually executed by the French for supposedly being a spy for the Germans, but it was also rumored that she was a DOUBLE AGENT for the French during WWI. But who is Mata Hari? Born Margaretha Geertruida Zelle and later changing her stage name to Mata Hari (which translates to “Eye of the Day”, fun fact!), our little spy rose to fame as one of the most famous courtesans and exotic dancers of her time, if not in history. She had clients from all walks of life, but her “cup o’tea” were men in uniform. And not your average-joe servicemen, but ambassadors, ministers, and even princes. Well, when there’s a war going on, and you’re sleeping with generals and higher-up’s, you get some pretty interesting “pillow talk”. I don’t mean “baby, oh baby” pillow talk, but rather “we’re moving our forces into northern France on this day…” kind of stuff. So when you’re getting this kind of information, you can do a lot of damage with it, and she did (supposedly). 

     Recently, historians have concluded that the story of Mata Hari miiiiiiiiight have been over-exaggerated by the French, but her legacy lives on. Whether or not she was a brilliant spy, Mata Hari was ahead of her time. She was outspoken, cosmopolitan kind o’ gal who wasn’t afraid to show her sexuality, and will forever go down in history as a babe who used her babeness to outsmart men. And Kim Kardashian will most likely go down in history for being an insufferable idiot who was married for 72 days, divorced, then eventually marrying the only other idiotic, materialistic, conceited person of the same caliber.

(Place your bets now for how long this marriage with last. Or if it will even happen…)

So no, I’m not saying go sleep with men to get what you want. All I’m saying is, we’ve got some power, ladies. Not only between our legs, but in our heads as well, and if we can use our powers for good (not for getting famous), we can get shit done.

2) LISBETH SALANDER


“A bastard is always a bastard and if I can hurt a bastard by digging up shit about him, then he deserves it.” - Lisbeth Salander

“I hate when women wear the wrong foundation color, it might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their makeup too light.” - Kim Kardashian 


     Whether you loved or “meh”ed the “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” series, one thing’s for certain: Lisbeth Salander is not someone to fuck with. Why does she rock? For one thing, she’s an incredibly intelligent computer hacker turned sleuth. Not a reality star who has her own perfume and I think nail polish now.  Lisbeth helps solve a MURDER and uncover a CONSPIRACY.  Kim Kardashian never even solved the alleged mystery of her $50,000 stolen merchandise (or…was it because there WAS NO MERCHANDISE TO BEGIN WITH?? Ooooohhhhh…)
     Lisabeth definitely marches to the beat of her own mohawked and pierced drum. She’s flawed and insecure, but that’s one of the best things about her. She finally stands up for herself and gets revenge in the form of a “sex tape”.  
     AGAIN, Kim K used a sex tape (SERIOUSLY, HOW IS THAT NOT A RED FLAG PEOPLE) to gain fame, and a spread in Playboy (which she later told one source she was “sorry” for doing it, then turned right around and told another magazine she was “so glad” she did it. ) Hmm. Nothing wrong with Playboy, but at least own up to it.
     Lisbeth, on the other hand, used a sex tape TO BLACKMAIL AND COMPLETELY ANNIHILATE A MAN WHO RAPED HER. I won’t give too much details to those who have never read nor seen it, but let me just say this: She gets an eye for an eye, and then some (in the form of a hand carved tattoo in the guy’s chest.)  She literally makes this sick-o her bitch. And she did it all with her mind (okay, and also with SPOLIER ALERT!! whatever she used to sodomize the guy.) I’m not saying go get piercings and a “fuck the man” attitude, but don’t let anyone take advantage of you and get away with it (I’m talking to you, Kris Humphries.)

3) COCO CHANEL 

(Seriously, what a babe!)

Coco Chanel –  A power house of fashion; class.  Time recognized her as one of the most influential people of the world.  Kim Kardashian has, like, a million Twitter followers, so like, I don’t know why Time hasn’t mentioned her at all. I guess you could say Kim Kardashian has put her mark in recent fashion with her pin straight hair, curve-hugging mini dresses, and 27’ inch heels (which really isn’t that unique), and she apparently is a “fashion contributor” for Vogue. Oh I’m sorry, did I say Vogue? I meant Ok! Weekly a paparazzi ‘rag. Although she can clean herself up nicely and she’s latched onto the fashion world like a dark haired barnacle to the bottom of a yacht, here’s a TRUE fashion icon to get inspiration from:  Gabrielle Bonheur Chanel, aka “Coco Chanel”. What did Chanel do for fashion you ask?
     Well for starters, the LBD : You know that little ol’ thing, “The Little Black Dress”? The go-to classic dress we girls love, that one thing that all fashionistas agree is a MUST for all wardrobes.   Yeah Chanel fucking coined that. Although the original manifestation was quite conservative, it has evolved and maintained itself as a fashion staple to this day.
     Pea coats: Nothing is more comfortable and adorable than a pea coat. Originally a style worn by seamen (heh, heh) Chanel updated and streamlined this coat and made it not only tailored for women, but also extremely warm and snuggly and functional.

It even looks cute on dogs!

(Awwwww!)

Can’t be said for mini dresses on dogs. Thank God there’s no high heels involved:

Ass is hanging out and everything. Woof. Pun intended.

These examples are a mere handful of what Chanel attributed to fashion: stylish tweed, bell-bottoms (love ‘em or hate – people are STILL wearing them!), and the rockin’ Chanel suit. But I think what Chanel did most was create a sense of style for women that was powerful, comfortable, yet still feminine. Chanel let us trade in our skirts and dresses for pants and suits, but still let us throw on those pearls and act like a lady.

I mean, what the hell is this?

The kicker: This was for McDonald’s 40th Celebration of the Big Mac event. Class-E

   Oh , Channel can do crop tops too, and maintain classiness.

(One of these things is not like the other)

Not only did Coco give us pearl necklaces, but also pearls of wisdom. She was quite a smart, unique, and independent lady.  Some great quotes are:

“Elegance does not consist in putting on a new dress.”

“In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different.”

“A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.”


“As soon as you set foot on a yacht you belong to some man, not to yourself, and you die of boredom.”

(ahem.)

   

So there ya go.  I hope this inspires you to show what it is to be a real woman. Not that a reality tv episode or gossip mag will ruin your mind, but just as we are what we eat, we are what we consume, and who we model ourselves after is who we become. Sure, she (among hundreds of other women, but we’ll save that for another day) has broken standards for beauty and showed “curvy”(huge tits and not a size 2) girls are sexy, but she’s banked on selling a brand of spoiled, unintelligent women, and many girls eat this up without even realize what they’re consuming. “Oh, well, it’s just my guilty pleasure, that’s all.” No goddammit. Eating ice cream out of the carton is a guilty pleasure. Watching Lifetime movies is a guilty pleasure. Eating Taco Bell after a night of binge-drinking is a guilty pleasure. Every minute you watch these shows and buy their shitty products you’re putting more money going right into their bank account so Kim can buy shit like this. (Really, do we really want to add to Kayne’s ever-growing ego?)

We only get one go around in this life, so what do you want to be remembered for?  A kind, beautiful, smart woman, or a dysfunctional annoying joke.  Your call.

So Bad - It’s Bad For You!

By: Rachel McClard

The LA County Fair (www.lacountyfair.com/2012/) will be going on until September 30th and you can go partake in the… holy shit, what did you say? 

“Leave the Skinny Jeans at Home!” That’s one of the slogans for this year’s fair (spotted on a recent drive to Palm Springs but damn it, couldn’t snap a picture!).

Radio ads yell out “Tell your diet to stick it” and newspaper’s are screaming to you “Instead of worrying about gluten, be a glutton!”

Now, I get it. It’s FUN to just say screw it and do whatever the hell you want. And these ads are playing into what people are looking for – an escape from reality, a good ‘ol fried lump of something to dull the pain of the everyday, indulgence that doesn’t hurt anyone (well, except your heart). These ads are acting as the devil on your shoulder - “go ahead, be naughty, eat your cares away!” 

Part of going to the fair is the nostalgia involved in the experience. And the food-stuffs of fair-stuffs has always been something to look forward (forward-stuffs?) to.

Eating an entire roll of cotton candy while walking through the fairgrounds COULD remind me of the time I went to the Texas State Fair and did just that around when I was eight or so years old. And that was awesome! But it was the whole experience that made it that way. Not just the cotton candy. It was the heat, the Ferris wheel, standing below Big-Tex and feeling how small I was. I’m not going to be able to replace that memory while walking around the LA County Fair as a 32 year-old.

For starters, my stomach is not like my eight year old self’s stomach. I eat too many pistachio’s now and I’m like “oh, well, need to take a poopy.” And I don’t eat fried foods very often. So if I were to go to the fair and try some of the goodies on their “must-have” list, I think my stomach would literally fall out of my asshole after about ten minutes. That’s a “must-have” I could “duece” without.

Hey, it’s not like I don’t partake in the bad-for-me meal or sweet-tooth number on occasion. But it’s usually something I really, REALLY am looking forward to. But when I see these ads, all I can think of is that scene from Seven where Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman find the “Big-N-Tall” guy chained to the table and dead from over-consumption. I’m just imagining walking onto the fairgrounds and, all of a sudden, being force fed a turkey leg while a fried pickle and gallon of ice cream is sewn to my hands by a clown and a carny. 

All I’m trying to say is why the EXTREME over-indulgence sell? Why does it have to be about gluttony and feeding your face until you can’t move? To say “leave the skinny jeans at home” promotes preparation for said stomach stretching. I have too many other things to scratch off on my to-do list. Preparing for gluttony is something I can leave off.

For some of you that have gone or will be going for this last weekend, you will certainly not have to look very far to find something to nosh on. If you check out the map and go on their food-guide site – there is literally food EVERYWHERE (http://lacountyfair.com/2012/eatshop/food.asp). They should have a scale for when you enter the grounds and then see how much your car weighs when you’re leaving (or maybe measure the distance between the bottom of your car and the ground?). 

While parusing the list of calorie packed foods it made me think - aren’t most of these items things you already like, but then made worse by adding chili, butter, cream, or hell, let’s just dump that concoction into a vat of oil and fry it!

Here are some food-stuffs on their fried list: 

• Fried Oreos (Why do you have to fry an Oreo? They are perfectly delicious on their own!)
• Fried Kool-Aid (Seriously, let’s be reasonable people. Kool-Aid is to drink – when you are nine, not fry and eat! www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/20/deep-fried-kool-aid_n_880268.html)
• Fried Pop-Tart (WHY? Do people actually order this? Has someone had one? I don’t remember the last time I had a REGULAR Pop-Tart)
• Fried Whitecastle burger (You’ll have to wait for Harold and Kumar to place their stoner order first.)
• Fried Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup (Damn it, they got me on this one. I love PB Cups… NO… I will not do it!)
• Fried Pencils (Ok, I threw that one in to see if you were paying attention. But it looks like they fried up everything else so seriously, who would notice?)

These are all things that are pretty bad for you on their own. But they are so BAD, they’re GOOD. They are treats. I LOVE a couple Oreo cookies with a short glass of milk. It’s delicious! But frying those things that are already great doesn’t sound particularly thrilling or creative to me. 

It’s just lazy… AND it sounds like a whole lot of time telling myself “Oh, I shouldn’t have eaten that,” or “Jeebus, my stomach feels like shit.”

Or maybe I’m just scared that I would say:

“FUCK. That was good. I wanna try MORE!”  

OKStupid… I got a few questions.

by: Venus Lau

It only takes one… That’s what I tell myself when answering questions on an online dating site I like to call OkStupid.  For you slower ones it’s a rhymer to the online dating site known as OkCupid.  Now I’m not here to bash online dating.  I’m obviously a participant in this oooh so digital world.  I’m here to share the entertainment of what I like to call “reality browsing.”  It’s way better than reality shows because you get to participate in answering the silly questions that tell you if you are compatible with a potential “partner in crime,” (I swear if I hear one more guy say that… ugh!)  and you get to read other people’s answers to the same questions.  I understand some of the basic questions like:

“Have you ever been in love?”

“Do you have any children?”

“How important is a sense of humor?”

“Are you looking for a long-term relationship?”

“Outgoing or Shy?”

Yes, you want to get a basic knowledge of someone’s personality.  Kinda important, right?  BUT!  BUT, there are some questions OKStupid likes to ask that are just comedy at its best…

“Do you believe in dinosaurs?”

“Which is bigger?  The Sun or Earth?”

“Did America really put a man on the moon?”

None of these are opinion based questions, THEY ARE FACTS!  And if you don’t know the answer you’re either 2 years old or a total retard, and ultimately undateable.  They might as well ask me, “Do you believe unicorns can birth pigs?”  Even if they answer the question right, these questions bear no relevance to an ideal partner!  Only that they have a functioning brain.  Must I have to ask for that?  But the questions certainly did make me chuckle.

Here’s a section I like to call - REALLY?…

“How important is your partner’s breath to you?”

“Do you frequently bathe or shower?”

“Would you read a book just for fun?”

“Do you think that masturbation is an acceptable practice?”

I love it when a guy doesn’t shower and refuses to brush his teeth, don’t you?  OkStupid, really?  Hygiene and dating kinda go hand-in-hand, need I say more?  Reading books - If you’ve never read a book for fun, you’re not a real adult.  You are a character swimming in a sea of Duff beer in the mind of Homer Simpson.  And masturbation, yes!  I don’t want to self-implode!  We all need a lil “me” time ;).

“If you were in a long term relationship and your partner gained weight due to something like surgery or childbirth, would you think less of them as a person?”

They should’ve just asked… Are you a horrible person who deserves to die?  “Think less of them as a person?”  That punchline is so bad it’s good (wink, wink)…  I wish my job was to come up with these questions.

“Do you like the taste of blood?”

“Do you have rape fantasies?”

“Do you feel there are any circumstances in which a person is obligated to have sex with you?”

Ummm, say what the fuck?!  Blood - Are you a wannabe vampire lame-o?  Rape fantasies - Hmmm, what would that first date be like?  Obligated to have sex with you - Okay, I did answer “Yes” but only to humor myself.

“Imagine you’re on your way home, when your date suddenly speeds up to hit an animal crossing the road.  Is a second date in your future?”

When I imagine a guy doing that on a date it’s horrifying.  When I imagine a girl doing that on a date there’s more of a belly laughter that lashes out… so nutty!  I’m pretty sure she would be placing herself in the “crazy but hot enough to bang” category.

“Do you maintain a current profile on a social networking site such as MySpace or Facebook?”

BWAHAHAHA!!!  Did they say MySpace?!

And here is a section I like to call RIDICULOUS ANSWER CHOICES…

“If your partner got in the way of your goals what would you do?  Crush them / Discuss it and compromise / Quietly deal with it?”

Yes, Crush them!  But “how would you crush them” should be the follow up question - with your hopes, dreams, and a flatscreen TV perhaps?  Discuss it and compromise -  “Hi, honey. So you kinda suck the life outta me, so let’s either breakup or I’ll just resent you forever.”  Quietly deal with it - You F@ck’n coward!

“Which of the following would be most likely to scare you away?  Sexual fetish / Bad temper / Mild mental illness / History of bad credit?”

All of the above was not an answer choice!  Please don’t have any of those!  Okay, sexual fetish and bad credit not as bad.  But my brain obviously goes to the extreme answer of all the options,  I’m thinking…  Clown ‘n’ feces fetish / Break shit all over my apartment / Screaming ‘n’ crying in the fetal position in public / Selfish ‘n’ unreliable with end result of being cheap.

“Imagine you are sitting alone in a park and a squirrel hops up and starts talking to you in a clear voice.  Which of the following do you do…  Converse with the creature / Ignore it - it can’t be real / Run, scream, shit pants, or otherwise freak out / Capture the creature for science?”

Again, why can’t I be the one who gets to write these questions?  This one cracked me up.  Duh, obviously I’d converse with the lil’ guy!  I like that OkStupid actually said “shit pants.”  How drunk was the writer of these questions?  What scientific formula helped generate this question that will somehow tell me if I am compatible with a potential suitor?  If you know, please pass the info along.

The following section is called TOO SOON…

“Which pubic hair style do you prefer for a partner?”

“How often do you masturbate?”

“Do you have names for your future children already picked out?”

Can we save a lil’ mystery for the dates please?  Pubic hair is a great first date topic!  Not really, but why do we need to share that on the world wide web?  Hey, I ain’t no prude.  But whatever your answer, you are telling them what YOUR pubes are trimmed like.  “I prefer a lightning bolt.” 

Masturbation - I don’t want a stranger to know that.  Why?  Cause we all judge each other.  We do, we really do.  If it’s too much, then “Oh, she’s sex crazy or slutty!”  If it’s not enough, then “She’s not in touch with herself and must suck in bed.”  If you don’t masturbate at all, then yeah I’d judge him or think he was an alien without a crotch zone.    

Future children names - ATTENTION WOMEN… even if you do, say you DON’T!  Yes, it’s fun to come up with cute names, but it’s also WEIRD when those names have been etched in concrete since you were in high school, especially for men.  Although, I did come across a couple of guy’s profiles that said they do… Yep, still weird.  Just live in the moment.  Tell me that shit later when we actually have a relationship, not pre-date material.

There are plenty more questions I’d love to poke fun at.  And although I’m making fun, I gotta admit they do give a hint of insight.  Don’t knock online dating ‘til you try it, right?  It’s just another avenue to meet cool or weird people, and I hope this insight has made you giggle at least twice.  People’s answers will be in another future blog.  I’m done ranting for now but I would love to hear your comments on Facebook or Twitter! 

Cheers!

-Venus